Memoires of The Squid

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The Day Higgins Got Higged
In room 102 of a seedy apartment complex in Las Vegas, Nevada, live three rowdy, fun loving “Gentleman” by the names of Thadd, Thane and Blade. Thadd and Thane are sitting in their living room playing Xbox and Thadd is getting increasingly pissed off at Thane’s taunts of “YOLOSWAG MOTHERFUCKER GET GOOD!!” Thadd’s rage reaches a boiling point when he throws his controller out the window and beans an old homeless man in a dirty white suit named Higgins and knocks him out. Thane immediately shouts out “Shit man, what did you do?” Thadd rushes over to the broken window and sees Higgins’ lifeless body on the sidewalk with blood coming down is forehead and thinks he might have killed him, no old man can handle blunt force trauma from a man of Thadd’s size and strength. Thane walks up behind him and sees the body, “You fucking killed him!” he says. Thadd panics and says “Damn it, I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know there was gonna be this creepy homeless guy creeping out my window man...shit I can’t go to prison!” Thane replies “Dude, you’re big as fuck, you don’t have to worry, Look at me! I will get raped in prison, this can’t happen!” Thadd violently shakes his head no and tells him “Help me get this fucker in here before somebody sees” This confuses Thane who asks back “Wait, what?” Thadd “I’m going to jump out this window and I’ll feed you his body, just get his legs and put him on the couch.” Thane responds “WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO EAT HIM?” this in turn confuses Thadd who replies “What? No, shut up and grab his legs when I tell you” Thadd jumps out the window and lifts the hold man up onto his shoulders effortlessly and props his ankles onto the edge of the window for Thane to drag him in, with half of Higgins’ body in the window Thadd lets go thinking Thane has it under control but he has greatly over estimated his strength as Higgins falls back and knocks Thane down to the ground, which sends him into a panic and screams for Thadd to “Get this dead guy off of me” Thadd leans over and calls him an idiot before climbing back in and carrying Higgins over to the couch. Thane leans over on the back of the couch and says “Now what do we do?” Thadd thinks for a moment before saying “First we need to get the sheets from our beds and put them over the windows so no one can look through and see this old guy...uggh, he smells like piss. And then we need to call Blade and get him over here. He’ll know what to do” As Thane carries out the sheet part of the plan, Thadd gets on the house phone and calls their best friend Blade who is arguably the smart one of the trio. He doesn’t pick up at first but on the second try he gets through, Blade starts to say “Hello” but Thadd blasts through with “Blade, where are you? We need some fucking help over here, man” Blade replies “I’m in your fucking bathroom Thadd, you idiot!” For some reason this sets off a lightbulb in Thadd’s head, he explains “I GOT IT!! I saw on TV that if you shoot bleach everywhere it ruins crime scenes, if--” Blade interrupts “I AM TAKING A SHIT, STOP CALLING ME!” And hangs up, Thadd gets pissed off again and throws his cheap answering machine at the bathroom door, a muffled “Fuck off” is heard from the inside. Thadd calls him back and an angry Blade answers with “What?” Thadd says “We need to go get bleach.” Blade sighs and says “I need to wipe.” Thadd responds “No lets fucking go now” Blade groans and hangs up again, a minute later the toilet flushes and out comes the blue haired Blade who takes one look at the couch and yells “I LEAVE YOU TWO IDIOTS ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU MURDER A MAN?” Thadd replies “I’m Sorry!” Blade rubs his painted face and says “Lets just get the fucking bleach, I’ll drive” Thadd takes offense to this and says “Hey man, nobody drives the pussy wagon but me.” Blade responds “I wouldn’t call a shitty, old and rusty second generation Honda Civic hatchback a ‘Pussy Wagon’ but okay” Thadd takes offense to this as well and says “Hey, fuck you” Thane finishes up covering the windows with sheets and they all leave for the local corner store to buy bleach. Three seconds after they leave Higgins regains consciousness and sits up on the couch. He holds his head where he is lightly bleeding and yells out “Hello?” he looks around for a second and starts to remember what happened moments ago when he was knocked out, he gets up and finds Thadd’s wallet laying on the table in the corner and takes out all $76 dollars and 8 cents from it, he continues to look around the apartment and finds an envelope for the month’s rent that has $700 dollars in it, Higgins has found the jackpot. For years now he has done odd jobs around the city to fuel is Pogo addiction, going as far as begging, getting title loans and even trying to trick the title loan place into giving him money by trying to get loans for rental cars, which has only worked one time. He even got a job at the local McDonalds but after three weeks he was fired after he was caught stealing chicken nuggets and feeding them to pigeons on the roof of the apartment complex because he believed that if he did these birds a favor that they would return it by forming a pigeon army and go around town stealing change and valuables from random citizens so he can blow it all on Pogo. He storms out of the apartment complex and looks for a place that sells pre paid cards and bags of skittles for the birds, his best guest would be the corner store thats about a mile away from the apartments. As he approaches the store an elderly woman comes up to him and says “Excuse me, sir?” Higgins gets annoyed because this distraction is just making it even longer before he can gamble, he says back “What Bitch? I’m in a hurry” To his surprise she pulls out a 357 Magnum and demands all of his money, he tries to haggle but she pistol whips him and snags the money before running away. A local crackhead named Chickenstrip Jones who was walking down the street saw all of this and cries out “HEY! I’M BLACK!!...I’LL SAVE YOU, I’M BLACK!” And chases after the old woman. Chickenstrip Jones being a 6'3'' African that is currently on a bad LSD Trip is much, much faster than her and catches up to her in no time and violently tackles her to the ground. The money flies out everywhere and the revolver slides away, CSJ grabs it with his bare hands and starts brutally pistoling whipping her, Higgins runs over and joins in on the action but kicking her in the ribs. A passing cop car arrives and arrests them on the spot, Higgins and CSJ try to talk their way out of it by explaining that the old woman mugged Higgins but the cop doesn’t buy the unlikely story, and to make matters worse the old woman was wearing white formal gloves so the only finger prints on the pistol are of Chickenstrip Jones. The cops pack them into the back of their squad car and check on the old woman and interview her for her side of the story which she of course lies about and says they both attacker her for no reason and that Chickenstrip Jones threatened to rape her. While this happens Higgins blows on the window and writes “Fuck You” with his nose. Back at the apartment complex and The Gents finally return home with two big jugs of bleach, but to their surprise The old, presumed deceased man is no longer laying on the couch. All of them panic, Blade shuts the door and yells “WHAT THE FUCK? YOU TOLD ME HE WAS DEAD!” Thadd replies in a “Slightly” Calmer voice “I thought he was! I don’t know where he could have gone, he must be a zombie or something” Thane chimes in with “I GOT IT! I know what happened, He fucking disappeared like in the games, you know when you kill a dude and then after a while his body disappears? Thats what fucking happened here, I’m almost sure of it!” This clams all of them down and blade says “I’m not taking any risks, get the bleach” and both Thane pours bleach all over the couch and the floor around it while Blade splashes it all over the ground outside the window and the window itself. Thadd turns on the TV to calm his nerves and its still on the local news channel from when Blade had it on last night, and the main story is of the assault and attempted robbery of an old woman by a deranged homeless man and his black, drug addict friend, this makes The Gents panic again as Thane yells out “HE FUCKING RESPAWNED!!” They have no idea what to do and are almost certain that he will tell the police about being knocked out by them earlier, Blade comes up with the idea to head over to the police station in hopes of either breaking him out or persuading one of the other criminals in the holding cell to shiv him to death to prevent him from talking. While pacing around the room brainstorming, Thane finds out that Higgins has also stolen their rent money and Thadd’s wallet. This further pushes them to the breakout plan so they can also get their money back before their landlord Tony Richards shows up with his hired goons to break their legs for being late on the rent. At the Station they get in to the holding cells where Higgins and Chickenstrip Jones are sitting by the toilet in the corner of the cell, Higgins obviously does not recognize them as he wasn’t even looking in their direction when he was hit in the face, Thane points to him and shouts “Hey you, Old guy. Come here” Higgins walks up to them and says “What-chu want?” Blade is about to respond but Thadd cuts him off and says “What do you mean “What-chu want?” We want our fucking money back, asshole!” This confuses Higgins for five seconds before his brain finally starts working for the first time in 8 years, these are the men who knocked him out, he decides to get brave and says “You want your money? Then get me the fuck out of here and I’ll get you your money” He is not afraid of what they might do to him once they find out that the old woman still has the cash but in the back of his mind he hopes he can pull a fast one on them and run away before things get hairy. Chickenstrip Jones overhears this and rushes over saying “Hey Yo, get me out too!” Higgins lightly shoves him away and says “No way Chicken, I need this. Get your own way out” This greatly upsets CSJ as he shouts back “Yo fuck you Higgins!” As Thadd and Thane work on a escape plan with Higgins, Blade grabs CSJ’s attention and walks away from the group to talk in semi privacy and he slips him a $100 bill. Chickenstrip Jones crams it in his coat pocket, turns to Higgins and says “Hey Yo, I’m sorry Higgins” and punches him in the face as hard as he can. Higgins beinga feeble old man falls down immediately and tries to cover up as Chickenstrip Jones leaps onto him and starts wailing on him. Two cops rush in and unlock the cell door to try and break up the fight, but as soon as the doors open, Thadd puts one of the officers in a sleeper hold backs away from the doorway so Blade can get in and “Superkick” the other guard in the throat which takes him down and out for roughly five minutes as he tries to catch his wind back. CSJ and Higgins jump up and they all race out of the police station and cram into Thadd’s car, but there is not enough room for all of them so Higgins is forced to climb on top of the car as Thane and Blade roll down the windows in the back and hold on to Higgins’ head and legs to keep him on. They speed away and take the long ways around the city to get back home so they don’t lead the cops back to their place. Back at The Apartment Complex, The Gents take Higgins into their apartment as CSJ departs from the group to do God knows what, Thadd and Blade sit him down on the couch and demand that he hand over the money, before he can even answer they hear a knock on the door followed by the knocker shouting “TONY RICHARDS HAS ARRIVED!” Thadd mutters “Oh shit” to himself and Higgins uses this distraction to his advantage as he leaps out of the couch and jumps through the window and runs away as fast as a 63 year old man possibly can. Blade runs to the window and yells out “HEY GET BACK HERE ASSHOLE!” But it’s too late to go after him as Tony Richards kicks in the door and his two large “Private Security” Thugs Tarkus and Hale walk in, Tony follows suit wearing a wifebeater and red and black pinstripe pants with a wooden baseball bat in hand, he says “Wheres my fucking money boys?” Thadd tries to come up with an excuse but as soon as he starts to talk Tarkus says “Shut Up” in a gruff voice and punches him in the face and knocks him down, which is a rare thing to see happen to Thadd. Tony says “You idiots have been here, what, Six Months now? I think you would all know what happens to deadbeats around here” And swings his bat into the TV, breaking it. Thane blurts out “Awe, Come on man” And in response Hale shoves him down to the couch and flexes his muscles, although this isn’t as impressive as it would sound due to both Tarkus and Hale wearing think bulletproof vests. Tony walks up to Thadd and presses the end of his bat into Thadd’s chest and says “If you don’t have the rent by tomorrow, bad things are going to happen” He then whistles and he leaves with his guards. Thane says “Now what are we going to do?”''

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