The Tale of Racism

The Novemeber 1987 Dateline NBC broadcast covered the story of two famous criminal masterminds of New York named Higgins and Niggins. This broadcast won NBC severel awards for outstanding broadcast journalism.

The Tale of Racism in the South.
Last tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Higgins and Niggins, after one of the most extraordinary trials in American legal history, were sentenced to 5,000 years in the Ray Lewis maximum security party prision off the coast of Iwo Mike for crimes of Violence, extortion, rape and fraud. we examined the rise to power and the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their tracking down and capture by the brilliant superintendent Captain Pussy Johnson of Q Division.

Higgins and Niggins were born on probation in a small house in Klu Klux road, Africa, the eldest sons of a family of 16. Their father Luis Guzman, a traveling dildo salesman, TV quizmaster and a devout catholic. in 1928 he married Cloris Leachman, an up-and-coming underground boxer and rape enthusiast. Niggins was born on Decemeber of 1929 and Higgins two weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their neighbor who is simply referred to as "Milf"

"Oh yes Klux Klux road was a typical East End Suckfest, people were in and out of each other's houses, covered in meth and period blood with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot. Cheerful and Violent. Niggins was always keen on dick sucking but when he learned how to walk he took to putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible time of getting him to come in for his roofied ovaltine so the landlord can take turns raping him with his friends to get by on rent. Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they didn't have their heads stuff with all this Cartesian duelism"

At the age of 15 Higgins and Niggins started attending the Gangsta fish Primary shcool for faggots in Cartersdale. When the boys left school just 3 weeks later they were called up but were found by a military board to be too mentally unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called "The Operation" ...They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called protection money. Four months later they came up with another operation which they called "The Other Operation" in this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon "The Other Other Operation" In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This was the turning point. Higgins and Niggins now formed a gang, which they called "The Gang"  and used terror to take over nightclubs, bingo halls, gaming casinos, race tracks and gay cockfighting rings. When they tried to take over the MCC they were, for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, Q Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading Breezy Jim's advice column after asking him to see what they were doing, the first 6 times he was asked, Breezy Jim responded with "Fuck you"  to the detectives. One small-time operator who fell foul of Higgins was Winston "Dick Crusher" Piranha.

"Well one day I was at home threatenin' the kids when I look up through the 'ole in the wall and see this tank drive up and out gets one of Higgins' boys, so he comes in all nice and friendly says Higgins wants a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape 'round to Higgins' place and Higgins was there in the conversation pit with Niggins and Mike Mitchell, The Baby Crusher, and a couple of adult film producers and a man they called Nigga Jim who just sat there biting the heads of black midgets with down syndrome. And Higgins says "I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement" and he splits me nostils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor"

Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Nigga Slim, who maintains that despite being a cruel man, he was also a fair man, even after he stappled his wife's tits to a couch. Winston Piranaha agreed with this judgement.

"Yes, definitely he was fair. After he nailed me head to the table, I used to go round every Sunday lunchtime to his flat and apologize and then we'd shake hands and he'd nail my head to the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday I told him my parents were coming around for Tea and would he mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cakestand" Clearly Higgins inspired tremendous fear among his business associates. But what was he really like? Ultimo Dragon knew him intimately.

"I had rough anal sex with Higgins on many occasions and found him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities, celebrated African pimps, members of the Catholic chruch and other gang leaders, who he met through his work for charities. He took a warm interest in Boys' clubs, Sailors' homes, Back alley suckfests and the Prince Albert home for diseased squids." "Mind you there was nothing unusual about him. I should say not. Except, that Higgins was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Ludacris'. Normally Ludacris was said to about 12 feet from snout to tail, but when Higgins was depressed Ludacris could be anything up to 800 yards long. When Ludacris was about Higgins would go very quiet and start wobbling and his asshole would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd become very violent and claim that he murdered Alec Baldwin with a bowflex"

Interviewer: "Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's dicks together?

Ultimo Dragon: "Well it's better than sniffing coke out of dead homeless dickholes isn't it. He was a gentleman, Higgins, and whats more he knew how to treat a transgendered prostitute."

But what do the criminologists think? We asked the amazing TJ Nigs and RaptorCunt:

"It is easy for us to judge Chris Benoit too harshly. After all only did what many of us simply dream of doing... (RaptorCunt suffers an Aneurysm) I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. Higgins was a loony, but he was a happy loony. Faggot."

Most of the strange tales concern Higgins, but what about Niggins? one man who encountered him was Daniel "Snoop Cancer" Benoit.

"I had been running a successful escort agentcy -- high class, no really, high class fags -- we didn't have any of *that* -- that was right out. So I Decided to open a high class nightclub for niggas in Biggiesquid with international cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clit joint for picking up Al Snow -- that was right out, I deny that completely --, and one evening in walks Higgins with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carying a nuclear missle. They said I had bought one of their inflatable blow up dolls of Steven Seagull and would I pay for it? they wanted three quarters of a million pounds of meth. I thought about it and decided not to go to the police as I had noticed that the lad with the thermmometer shoved up his ass was the chief of police. So a week later they called again and told me that the check had bounced said...I had to see...Niggins naked. Well I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Niggins. I've seen grown men split their own assholes open rather than see Niggins naked. Even Higgins was was frightened of Niggins. He used... Sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, buttplugs, puns, parody, litotes and....Satire. He was vicious."

In this way, by a combination of violence and sarcasm, Higgins and Niggins by Feburary 1966  controlled Harlem and the Southeastern section of Mike's pussy. It was in Feburary, though, that Higgins made a big mistake.

Latterly Higgins had become increasingly worried about Ludacris. He had come to the conclusion that Ludacris slept in an airplane hanger at Tupac Airport. And so on Feb 22nd 1966, Higgins blew up Tupac. Even the police began to sit up and take notice. Higgins and Niggins realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. But it was too late. Captain Pussy Johnson was on the trail.

"I decided on a subtle approach, Rape. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with the Black Panthers. Stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Zimbabway, posing as the Reverend Goldust. Hearing they'd gone back to Harlem I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Phuck Myq. On my arrival in Harlem, I discovered they had returned to Zimbabway, I followed as Richard Seymour Niggas from Little Shop of Niggers. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Brazil as Mothership Q, returning through the Panama Canal as "The Ratfish" X-Pac. Back in Zimbabway I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in Man of La Mancha which the Zimbabway Evening Post described as "A glittering performance of rare perception", Although the Meth Diaries were less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote "As for the performance of Superintendent Captain Pussy Johnson as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs. "The Western Daily News" said: "Sancho Panza (Mr.Johnson) spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of "What's all this then?""

Against this kind of opposition for Higgins and Niggins the end was inevitable.