User blog:Dwayne Whitefish Johnson/Breezy Jim's Advice Column 1

Your favorite Drug dealer and professional partygoer Breezy Jim is back again to answer all of your questions in the mailbag I stole from the post office to help you with all your problems.

Question #1:

Hey Breezy Jim, I don't like having to turn to an advice columnist for help but I have a very serious problem here. This all started last week, I was in my basement moving shit around after I moved this big bookcase away from the wall I noticed a giant, manmade hole in the wall that was hiding behind it. I crawled through the tunnel and after about Five minutes of wandering through this bizarre cave system that smelled like cheap hairspay, I found this converted bomb shelter full of dildos, haircare supplies and naked mannequins that have lipstick smeared all over them. The room was lit with a dim, pink lighting and it looked like it had just housed a gay swingers party. I called the police about it but they obviously thought it was just a prank call and hung up on me but I don't know what to do, I don't like that whoever's been living there has dug out a connection to my basement. What should I do Breezy? - Todd.

First off Todd, I don't like how you said you don't like having to turn to someone like me for help, What the fuck does that mean? You can go fuck yourself and I hope those gay guys in that cave climb out when you're sleeping and rape you in a dungeon! - Breezy Jim.

Question #2

Hello Breezy Jim, I am at my wits' end here. 3 days ago I started to suspect that my boyfriend of 3 years is cheating on me, so yesterday when I had an off day from work I followed him in secret in my friend's car and after what seemed like a normal day he went to a dirty motel and went into one of the rooms. After a few minutes I worked up the courage to sneak over to the window and look inside...What I found was my boyfriend having sex with a 6'5'' black man dressed in a giant green dinosaur costume. I was so upset that I left and went back home, when the bastard got back at 1am he acted like nothing was wrong. What should I do? do I confront him about it? or should I try to give him another chance and work this out? Please help - Diane''

Well Diane, what I think you should do is go to the home depot and hire 3-4 illegal day laborers to ambush him on his way to the Motel 6 and beat his ass with lead pipes while you in turn fuck the dinosuar man to get back at him. And once you've kicked that scumbag to the curb, You can always find Ole Breezy Jim behind every corner store selling Cocaine and Heroin(As long as you aren't over 30 and weigh less than 308 pounds) - Breezy Jim

Question #3

Hey Jim. Yesterday I was out walking in the forest to clear my head and get some fresh air like I always do when I found a duffel bag filled to the brim with dildos. Not even joking, Beneath those dildos were a bunch of those sponge toys that you put in the water so you can watch them grow. I'm talking like, a thousand of those sponge toys underneath thrity dildos. Should I go back and take them and see if I can sell them or what? - Mike.

Shit you found that? I was wondering where I left that. I'm glad you didn't find the stash of meth I hid in there, I'd like my shit back please but since you found it first you can keep the dildos for youself but I want those fucking sponge toys back - Breezy Jim